oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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