9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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