I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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