Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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