IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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