in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
