there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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