we have pet lesbian snakes
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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