I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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