R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
being pregnant is like rehab
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
