____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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