My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
