Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So squirting runs in the family.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I need a burrito and a hug.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
