I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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