my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
