If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
