is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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