I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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