remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
