Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
