at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How naked do you want me to be?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
