quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
