Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
