so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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