I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
