no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
