My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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