She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
