then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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