the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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