he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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