Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My life is pants optional.
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