roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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