There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
