I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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