my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
