I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
