I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
