Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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