...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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