you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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