What did we do last night that was yellow?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
