i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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