I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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