Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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