I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
