I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
