I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
