I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
