I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
