Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
