if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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