I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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