Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
