I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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