seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
