textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Your penis caused this!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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