My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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