I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
