uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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