Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
