just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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