I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
