Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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