I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
two words...techno handjob
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
