Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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